


Unsafe Space

by rosworms



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, M/M, Season 9, body autonomy, spoilers up to 'First Born'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 03:31:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1251160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why Sam has every right to still be angry at Dean… written as a fic… with a little bit of Sastiel thrown in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsafe Space

"He’s your brother." Castiel was sitting on the edge of Sam’s bed while Sam walked around his room, finishing his nightly routine before going to sleep.

"No. Well, yes… biologically. But Cas, what he did… I don’t even know how to explain to him how violated I actually feel." Castiel sensed the tension build and he saw Sam’s shoulders tighten.

"He did it out of love, Sam." 

"No, he did it out of selfishness. He- he took control of my own body away from me. Do you know who does that? Abusers, rapists, evil people."

Sam’s careless gathering and tidying had turned into pacing.

"You know Dean is not evil." 

Sam glanced at Castiel. The angel’s face was soft with understanding and pleading.

"No, I know. I know that. But knowing that in my head doesn’t make the feelings go away. Gadreel was in control of my body for so long and I didn’t even know it. Yeah, he may have let me take the wheel most of the time, but he was ultimately in control because I didn’t know about it.” He beat a fist against his chest for emphasis. He turned his head upward to the ceiling as his eyes welled with unshed tears of frustration.

"Dean lied to me. I have the memories of him and Gadreel talking to each other. Actual goddamn conversations. I just feel… so used and raw… and unsafe. It’s like.. my own body is not even something I can feel comfortable in. It’s… it belongs to everyone but me. More than that. I don’t have the right words. I feel… this body is just a vessel and maybe I’m not even worthy enough to use it? … or something. And he did this to me. How can I forgive that?”

Sam’s last confession tore Castiel’s heart to shreds. He pulled Sam down on the bed and wrapped his arms around the broken man. Sam, so large in life, was so well practiced at making himself impossibly small at times. It was a fine art perfected by those who spent a lifetime dealing with self-esteem issues 

"Don’t think like that, Sam. Please don’t." Castiel ran fingers through Sam’s long locks of hair. "While your body is beautiful to behold, it is your soul that shines so bright. If you could see it, you’d see how you are worth more than that stars that you were made from." 

He spent the next hour petting and whispering soothing words to Sam. He knew they would go no further. They hadn’t been physically intimate since Sam found out about Gadreel. He knew the reason for it. He knew Sam was terrified to not be in control of himself and terrified of feeling vulnerable. So Cas comforted and calmed him until he was asleep on Castiel’s shoulder. 

And outside of the bedroom, one older brother’s knees were unable to support him any longer and he slid down to sit on the floor. He finally understood and he hated himself for what he’d done. For how he made his brother feel. For taking his baby brother’s freedom. Taking away his own self-worth, what little he’d had to begin with. Taking away the basic right to feel okay in your own body… and god knew Sam had always had issues with that already. 

He finally saw that he’d taken every single insecurity and fear that Sam had already spent his whole life facing and he was the one who made the nightmares real. And for the first time since exorcising the angel, Dean let himself cry.


End file.
